


I Seeee RED

by therustykage



Series: The Psycho and the Assassin [3]
Category: Borderlands (Video Games)
Genre: Action/Adventure, BL2 Universe, Blow Jobs, Crack Treated Seriously, Developing Friendships, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Fluff and Humor, Fluff and Smut, Friends With Benefits, M/M, Male Zer0, Porn With Plot, Rough Sex, Sexual Content, Size Kink, but there is no peeking, did i say fluff?, the masks stay on...sorta
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-20
Updated: 2020-09-20
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:34:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 13,415
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26568847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/therustykage/pseuds/therustykage
Summary: Zer0 and Krieg volunteer to find Pandora's 'rarest treasure' after discovering a mysterious ECHO that sends them travelling all over the place. The lines between work and play blur when all they really want is the promise of a steamy rendezvous once the mission is complete.
Relationships: Krieg & Zer0 (Borderlands), Krieg/Zer0 (Borderlands)
Series: The Psycho and the Assassin [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1844674
Comments: 13
Kudos: 38





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my third installment to the Psycho/Assassin series, this time with a fun plot! The story got really long so I divided it into 2 chapters for ease of reading.
> 
> Yup, my headcanon for Zer0 is male and I see him as more human than anything, with some alien qualities. I know... I know, I'm one of the few XD! I would LOVE for Gearbox to prove me wrong tho lol! But they won't. 
> 
> As for Krieg's DLC 4! (No spoilers!) Oh man, I cried >.> It didn't work out exactly how I wanted it too, but it makes room for future one-shots that could carry into the BL3 world for this series.
> 
> Their dynamic is so much fun to write about. I love the challenge lol!
> 
> Sorry for rambling! Enjoy the fic!

**xx**

**Three Horns Divide**

"Who cares about the furnaces," Salvador grumbled, "Let's just kill 'em all, _amigos!_ "

"Yeah. For once, I agree with Salvador." Maya reloaded her Maliwan SMG with a satisfied smirk. "But, it'd still be fun to blow some shit up _and_ kill us some bandits – we'll set the dynamite."

"Then, we'll kick 'em in the frozen pistons!" Gaige claimed with a lively fist pump. "Right, Meat Man?"

The young redheaded girl in pigtails flashed expectant green eyes at the psycho vault hunter standing next to her.

Krieg, however, did not react to her joke per usual and appeared to be out to lunch.

"Hey!" The mecromancer cried, elbowing Krieg playfully in the ribs until he glanced down and stared at her with one dark eye. "You daydreamin' about something? You always laugh when I say that. Ya know… instead of regular pistons this time they'll be _frozen_ , especially after we turn their heat off, get it?" Gaige seemingly found it all very amusing and giggled about it anyways. "Oh my gawd, I'm _hilarious!_ "

She snorted as she laughed.

Axton was snickering about it. Delighted, Gaige blew the ex-Dahl commando a kiss.

One could almost hear the cogs cranking and churning in Krieg's brain as he registered what Gaige was going on about because today he oddly found himself distracted from all the shooting and looting.

Had Hell frozen over?

Not quite, he blamed the little man for overriding his murderous bloodlust with a different set of fervent desires. Who was going on about things like the sexy sounds Zer0 makes when he comes or how much he enjoyed it when he mewled out his name while they fucked him. Nonetheless, it was beginning to sound like a broken record that kept bemoaning the same tune – it has been over a week since they got laid.

Turns out, Krieg was as eager to jump into the foray of battle, as he was eager to jump Zer0.

On most days, there was only so much rambling Krieg could take of the voice before he screamed at it to shut up or knocked his skull with his buzzaxe violently in hopes to silence it. But today… he did not feel the urge to attack the Little Man, not when the kind of lust Zer0 evoked satisfied both the rampant psycho on the outside and the soft-spoken man on the inside.

The slaughter of bandits and alien creatures was hella fun, but… Krieg could not shake the idea of getting into Zer0's pants all damn day!

Still, he did not want to disappoint the youngest vault hunter in the group, who was waiting for him to respond. To him, Gaige was a breath of fresh air. He loved her personality and energy. Sometimes he found himself hanging out with her just to watch her tinker with her robotic stuff. He would make himself useful by lifting heavy things for her whenever she required it. She would ramble on about her home planet Eden-5, her parents, and some evil girl named Marcie.

The best part was Gaige did not fear him at all. Out of all the vault hunters, she was the most openly affectionate and friendly person towards him.

"Nnngh! They'll shatter like meat popsicles!" Krieg roared for her in his gravelly tenor when he finally snapped out of it and ruffled her hair with his big hand.

The mecromancer flashed him a bright smile. "That's more like it!" she proclaimed and gave Krieg a cheerful thumbs-up with her robotic left hand.

"Alright, how about we split up? Three take on the left and three on the right?" Axton suggested. "Then we'll meet up in the town's square and light up all the fuses and _BAM!_ cold-assed bandits."

"I'll take the high ground," Zer0 offered, nodding towards a rusty catwalk that bridged over the entrance of the village.

"Ok, then," Maya agreed, seeing Zer0's point. "Then two on each side and one down the middle – Krieg you do the honours – Zer0 on the catwalk. Sound good?"

Everyone nodded.

Salvador, the short and stocky Pandoran native sporting a full beard and thick dark hair styled into a mohawk seemed to like the plan. _"VÁMONOS, PUTAS!"_ he bellowed, armed with a menacing assault rifle and an even more menacing laugh.

"Great. Let's go kick some ass, shall we?" Axton said with a killer smile.

The vault hunters headed towards the dreary bandit village nestled in a valley surrounded by snow-capped mountains and hills. The town was out of this world as three old rusty ships stood prominent on pillars around a collection of shanty lodges built on elevated platforms.

They left behind a bloody assortment of dead bullymongs, walking in on foot so they would not alert the bandits living in the village. The air was frigid and crisp, ice mounds surrounded them and the sky was nearly colourless and grey, except for the looming glow of the space station Helios, forever reminding them of their main goal.

Zer0's boots, styled like a pair of Japanese tabi socks, crunched over dry snow. He subtly reached out with a gloved hand and touched Krieg's arm in a gesture for him to slow down and let the others walk on ahead.

Krieg got the hint and hung back a bit.

Standing nearly shoulder to shoulder in height, the assassin turned his helmeted head towards the brawny half-naked psycho. It was difficult to tell what Krieg was thinking by facial expression because a mask covered his face, also.

Zer0 had known Krieg for quite a while now, they had become fast friends and even faster bed partners. By this point, as they approached a bandit town prepared to create bloody bedlam the psycho was usually roaring to go, but instead, was noxiously silent.

"Something on your mind…? / You seem distracted, my friend. / What's troubling you?"

Krieg looked over at the tall and skinny assassin, who has been plaguing his thoughts all day.

"Your liver is _screaming_ at me," he said in his gruff voice, sharing his dilemma without any hesitations as if he'd been waiting to get that off his chest. When it came to their nocturnal activities, Krieg had nothing to hide from Zer0. He was learning to trust him – a rare thing for him to feel in a world that tried to destroy him.

Zer0 understood that Krieg could not help but respond in a jumble of inventive words and phrases, but sometimes the man proved him wrong, like the last time they hung out. Krieg explained to him – in a charades kind of way – that two identities inhabited his mind. It made many aspects of him so much more apparent and clear. It fascinated Zer0 even more.

Evidently, the more insane side did all the talking.

 **:P** The assassin stuck his tongue out at the psycho and chuffed with mild amusement. Beneath his helmet, he was a hot blushing mess. _Now_ he understood what Krieg's problem was... the man was sexually frustrated – _for him_.

"A most sordid tale / I deem to rectify that / new ventures, later?" Zer0 proposed feeling wildly flustered that Krieg was thinking about him like that.

"YESYESYESYESYES!" Krieg assured with deafening enthusiasm and cocked his shotgun for emphasis, fueled with new motivation. It also fueled a giggling crazy laugh.

The gang glanced back at them with bewilderment. Whenever Zer0 and Krieg spoke to each other, it was cryptic and utterly confusing. Maya was one of the few able to understand the psycho, but mostly because she knew he came with good intentions. It didn't mean she understood all of his strange word choices.

Vocabulary and poetry was Zer0's thing.

And Zer0 always chose his words carefully when Maya was around, he didn't want to hurt her feelings or make things weird between Krieg and her because he was having a romantic friendship with the guy. He valued her as a teammate and he valued Krieg's amorous feelings for the siren. Really, it was none of his business. All he knew was that if things changed between them, he would take a silent bow and exit the scene in peace.

Flashing a holographic **OMG** in front of his visor, a crafty idea suddenly popped into Zer0's head.

He spoke with mischief dripping from his haiku, "Let us change things up / same old combat is boring / here, take my rifle."

Since Krieg was such a savant when it came to assembling this rifle, Zer0 was dead curious to see what the man could do with it. This opportunity was the perfect set-up.

The psycho's dark eye usually shrouded by dark secrets lit up as bright as a full moon.

Krieg stared at the exquisite hunter-green Vladof sniper rifle held out to him like a Christmas present. _Oh! Zer0 knows us so well, man. I have been waiting for something like this. Let's show them what we're really made of, buddy!_ The inner voice trilled between his ears.

Krieg accepted Zer0's prized sniper rifle as he handed over his prized double-barrelled flammable Tediore shotgun buzzing with fresh excitement.

"Melt some faces!" the psycho told the assassin.

"Yes, I long to feel / blood and spit scatter across / my armour and sword." Zer0 was as bloodthirsty as the man that now wielded his rifle. He was just more reserved about it.

When they arrived at the gate littered with spikes and dangling bushels of skulls, Salvador gave the battle cry, _"EVERYTHING MUST DIE!!"_

They stormed the bandit camp stirring up a flurry of activity.

The vault hunters could hear malicious shouts of fury from every inch of town when the bandits discovered they were under siege. Gunfire cracked at them. Bandits scrambled out of their decrepit, ramshackle houses to see what the hell was going on, guns in hand. Insanity spewed from the suicidal psychos that ran at them like moths to flame armed with detonating grenades.

Too bad for the bandits, the body count quickly began to pile up.

Armed with a submachine gun, Maya peeked around the corner of a building when she felt someone creeping up behind her. She turned around just in time to see a nomad's head explode from one _very_ accurate headshot. Quickly, she plastered her back to the wall, gathering her bearings, and saw in astonishment that it was Krieg performing the sniper shots from the catwalk down below.

She could hear him screaming, "This gun makes me giddy!" then laughing hysterically.

Maya was impressed. "Nice one, Krieg."

To her left, in the open area in the middle of town between the rows of buildings, she spotted Zer0's decoy flailing its sword around in a well-versed dance while two bandits went for it. Then, out of nowhere, the real assassin appeared behind them and lobbed off both their heads with a single swipe of his blue digistruct sword. Then he ran off shooting Krieg's shotgun, setting some poor asshole on fire.

Axton ran up a set of stairs huffing and puffing and joined the siren, using the same building as cover.

Maya sniffed with mild amusement and sighed. "What are those two idiots doing?"

"Looks like they decided to do the ol' switcheroo," Axton claimed with a short chuckle but quickly warned Maya. "Hey, your four o'clock."

The siren was quick to respond and phaselocked the bandit in question and then riddled him full of bullets.

"Come on, let's finish this," she said to Axton.

They ran around the other side of the house continuing to make their way to the back of the town.

Firing two guns, one in each hand, Salvador was a virtual human tank. He was revelling in the carnage on the other side of the village, cleaning up a group of marauders, who lamented in vain about their ill-timed deaths.

And, Gaige was close by laughing it up as she unleashed her robot Deathtrap on another group of bandits.

High up on the catwalk with his eye to the scope, Krieg was revelling in a different kind of slaughter. Landing killer shots and purring each time the rifle kicked back like a wild pony after he fired it. Moments ago, he received a flash look of astonishment from Zer0 after he jumped through the window of a shabby wooden house and flushed out a bandit, who subsequently got a sniper bullet to the face when he ran out the front door.

Krieg's responding laugh was deep and wicked. He might not have been able to see the assassin's face but he got a thumbs up for it and that was good enough for him.

When there was nothing left in the village but a pile of dead bodies, the gang set the dynamite and blew the furnaces to smithereens. It flushed out the few left hiding in the town, and they finished off the freezing psychos donning their silly winter toques.

Too soon, it was all over.

It left an empty feeling in the pit of Krieg's stomach. He was just getting started. With a groan, he launched himself over the catwalk railing and landed hard on the snowy ground below. He lingered around the gate as he waited for everyone to return.

Once they all regrouped, Maya was sure to praise Krieg. "That was some serious shooting, big guy," she said. "Thanks for getting that creep at my back… you're always looking out for me. I appreciate it."

Krieg appeared jubilant and twittered in his unruly menacing way. "Anything for the pretty lady…" he said in a low growl, staring at the siren like a lost puppy.

Salvador slapped a meaty hand on Krieg's bare shoulder proudly. "Good job, _amigo!_ Your skill with that gun… whoa…" He sniffled dramatically and tightened his voice. "…it's beautiful, man, almost brings a tear to my eye."

Everyone laughed in good spirits.

With the shotgun still in hand, Zer0 looked on with a bright red smile projected from his helmet. Krieg was getting all the praise that he deserved. He earned it. Intuition told the assassin that the psycho would do well with a sniper rifle, but he did not expect him to be _that_ good.

He would be sure to praise him later.

The assassin almost felt guilty that he was about to change the direction of the conversation, but he had something everyone needed to see. He produced an ECHO recorder he found hidden under a loose floorboard in one of the houses in town, belonging to one of the marauders.

"Ooo! Zer0 found an ECHO. What does it say?" Gaige asked first when she saw what the assassin was holding.

"No idea, I have not listened to it yet," Zer0 replied and hit the 'play' button.

_Recording begins._

**Nameless Bandit:** " _Oh my gawwwd!_ Today I caught a glimpse of real beauty, _real beauty_ – the rarest thing on Pandora! _Ooo!_ I have the shivers – not the skull kind but the goosey kind all over my skin. *sigh* So delicate. Such craftsmanship! And the smell… *whimpers* Man… I'm so lonely.

*long pause before the clearing of a throat*

So… Steve, he came all the way from his job in Cocina de los Diablos just to show me this. We admired it all evening and got drunk as skunks! Thanks, buddy. You are a _real_ friend! How'd he get his hands on such a find, I asked him. And he said he found it out in Three Horns Valley near a Bloodshot's hideout. Can you believe that?! What a lucky dog…"

_Recording ends._

" _Cocina de los Diablos…_ " Salvador sampled over his tongue and translated, "'Kitchen of the Devils' in Gluttony Gulch?"

Just then, everyone's ECHO devices chimed with an incoming transmission from Roland, commander in chief of the Crimson Raiders.

"Hey guys," the no-nonsense soldier in the beret said to them. "I just heard the audio playback on that journal you found. Sounds like something we should investigate. I know… you have all been busy today so I will only need two volunteers for now. I will send back up if you get overwhelmed and things turn messy. Who wants an extra payday? Raise your hand."

Zer0 and Krieg's gun-filled hands flew up _so fast_ they stirred up a small gust of air that made the rest of the gang flinch.

"Welp. Looks like the over-achievers are taking care of it," Axton teased and shrugged. "That's fine with me. I have a hot date waiting for me back in Sanctuary tonight."

Roland did not sound surprised at all. "I'm guessing you're all talking about Zer0 and Krieg. Great! You two report to me when you find something. Roland out."

"Geez, guys…" Gaige bemoaned at them. "Don't you two ever take a break?"

Zer0 was saving this one for the right effect. "Grind the cartilage / Writhing blood spines need breaking. / Flames embrace me," he said so matter of fact.

"Err… _what?_ " Maya said stitching her brows together.

"UNENDING BLOOD SYMPHONY! HA-HA!" Krieg burst out laughing so hard he probably set off an avalanche somewhere.

"Wait. Did you… _did you_ just make a haiku in psycho speak?" Gaige clapped her hands. "Oh man, that was dope!"

Axton made a face. "Weird."

"Well, I see that you two have rubbed off on each other, so I know you'll both have far too much fun on this mission, but… be safe out there, okay? Don't be heroes – call us if you need it," Maya told them and then turned towards Gaige, "Say, how about you and I get a couple of drinks at Moxxi's, my treat?"

"Uhhhhhhh… YES!" the mecromancer gleefully agreed to Maya's invite, playing dumb for a moment. "Let's have some of those neat drinks with bendy straws and funky colours."

"Err… can I come, too?" Salvador wondered, sounding very congenial and soft-spoken all of the sudden.

"Sure, but we're going to girl-talk," the siren warned Salvador with a saucy grin.

Gaige giggled. "Yeah… lots of girl-talk – _hard_ girl-talk."

The man wanted for cannibalism, public indecency, theft, arson, and a boatload of other crimes merely shrugged his thick shoulders. "Meh, as long as you're buying the drinks _chica,_ you can call me Sally," Salvador said.

"Deal!" Gaige blasted as if she was going to make him regret it.

"Come on, let's drive over to the fast travel and we'll go our separate ways from there," Axton offered. "I'm sick of the stench around here."

With murmurs of agreement, the group headed back to the truck they parked near the dead bullymongs and got in. It only took a few minutes to drive to the fast travel and disembark.

The gang let Krieg and Zer0 go first.

Just before the assassin chose his destination on the teleporter, he turned around and said to Salvador, "Later… Sally."

*********

**Gluttony Gulch**

Zer0 and Krieg were still snickering about the Sally thing when they arrived in Gluttony Gulch. The two of them stood on a black and white checkered floor in a room that resembled a theatre box office, complete with red velvet rope partitions in which to line up and buy tickets.

At the booth, a man leaned on the counter looking bored.

The tickets sold here were for Mr. Torgue's Hunger for Violence Extravaganza, a live programme shown to a live studio audience from a small theater further inside the building. The programme consisted of people from all over Pandora fighting each other for dominance, and at the same time, annihilating a giant turkey called the Wattle Gobbler.

Zer0 and Krieg bypassed the ticket booth. They were not here for the show, nor were they here to participate in the extravaganza. Their goal was the kitchens, _Cocina de los Diablos_ to be exact, to find the cook that worked there that went by the name Steve.

They made their way to the staging area but before they got any further, Zer0 wanted to show Krieg _his_ appreciation. Now that it was just the two of them, his mind teetered between work and play, all thanks to a horny psycho that whispered to his rifle like a sharp-shooting gangster.

The assassin moved swiftly, shoving Krieg up against a couple of crates, causing them to rattle and creak dangerously. Zer0 leaned in close, his body was flush up against Krieg's suggestively. He pressed his groin against the other man's hip and clasped the psycho's shoulder straps with a pair of gloved hands.

It caught Krieg off guard completely. His brown eye narrowed on Zer0 in total shock. But, when the assassin leaned in and whispered next to his ear, he knew the man was playing with him.

"Mmm, that performance / with my rifle – very hot. / It stirs much ardour." Zer0's voice was velvet and intoxicatingly deep. "You're ambidextrous / is the little man also? / Such an enigma."

An appreciative rumble vibrated from his chest, Krieg's desire for the assassin burned again like wildfire and one side of him wished more than ever that he could reply cohesively. So badly, he wanted to share all the finer details of his thoughts that he could not so easily express with words. Like how when Zer0 spoke to him this way and rough-handled him like this it made his heart pound and knees feel weak. That, indeed, he had learned to shoot lefty and righty depending on what type of gun he was using or if he was throwing his buzzaxe.

The temptation to find a secluded spot and fuck Zer0's brains out hit him like a brick. "My blood is pumping!" Krieg bemoaned.

"Mine, too," Zer0 murmured. "Mmm, the sooner we / find these ECHOs the sooner / I can ravage you."

Krieg definitely liked the sounds of that.

Footsteps approached. The assassin backed off reluctantly.

A scruffy bandit walked into the hallway and stopped short when he saw them. Zer0 and Krieg acted as if they were just chilling, minding their own business. However, it wasn't enough to stop the blonde-haired bandit from raising a single eyebrow in question.

"Hey, don't mind me," he said holding up his hands apologetically and hurried along awkwardly.

Zer0 looked at Krieg projecting a new emoticon in front of his visor **^^;** "We'll continue this later, let's go," he advised his head back on track.

They wandered into the staging area, walking by rows of cheering bandits excited about the upcoming show. Zer0 and Krieg hurried down the aisle and climbed up on the big stage under hot lights to speak to Mr. Torgue, a huge muscular man with a bushy moustache sporting a red do-rag over his long dark hair and a microphone headset affixed to his head. He wore a pair of black sunglasses and blue jeans.

"WELL, LOOK WHO IT IS? THE POEM-SPEWIN' HITMAN AND THE CRR-AAA-ZZZY BROTHER FROM ANOTHER MOTHER!! WHAT BRINGS YOU FINE GENTLEMEN TO MY STAGE?"

Mr. Torgue did not talk. He yelled – every day – all the time.

Zer0 peered back and forth between the founder of the Torgue gun manufacturing company and Krieg, feeling rather undersized between the two massive, shirtless, and very aggressive men, who both tended to be extremely loud.

It seemed Mr. Torgue's intensity was contagious to Krieg and he yelled right back, "STRANGLED WHISPERS FROM THE DEVIL'S KITCHEN!"

"HMM! YOU MUST BE TALKING ABOUT STEVE!" The gun founder claimed straight away.

Somehow, it seemed only natural that Mr. Torgue understood Krieg. Zer0 would bet his last dollar the man could probably decipher Krieg's word puzzles better than anyone on the entire planet of Pandora could.

"Yes," Zer0 said. "Where can we find him?"

"HE'S DEAD!" Mr. Torgue said bluntly. "BUT I THINK GRANDMA FLEXINGTON FOUND HIS ECHO RECORDER. SHE IS DYING TO TALK TO YOU!!"

The assassin withheld a deplorable groan. _Well, shit._

He adored Grandma Flexington, she meant well, but she was going to talk their ears off. Zer0 imagined, by the time he got out of here that his hair would be grey. Okay… maybe he was exaggerating about the grey hair part, but it sure felt that way whenever he spoke with Grandma.

Zer0 sighed and looked over to see what Krieg thought about it and blinked.

The man was gone!

Sure enough, the psycho was already down below gabbing it up with Grandma. Zer0 scoffed. He excused himself from Mr. Torgue's company, jumped off the stage, and headed towards Krieg and the old woman.

Grandma Flexington sat in a comfortable tan armchair and wore a bright pink shirt that read **#1 Grandma** on the front. She was built like a tank just like her grandson, huge muscular chest and biceps for days. The wrinkled old woman was a true mix of sugar and spice – fingerless leather gloves reinforced with plates of metal and metal greaves strapped to her shins – one even came with deadly spikes. In mad juxtaposition, she wore soft pink curlers in her grey hair and donned a pair of flashy horn-rimmed glasses.

As soon as Zer0 met up with them, Grandma offered him some blueberry pie, which she held on display in her outstretched hand. The assassin noted a slice already missing from the sweet confection.

"I baked it fresh this morning, Zer0. Come on, make an old woman happy," she said, laying on that renowned granny guilt. "See, Krieg enjoyed his slice of pie..."

Oh? Zer0 looked over and watched as Krieg swallowed his last mouthful of pie, brushing the crumbs off his hands on the side of his pants.

 _When…_ _how… how in the hell did he do that so fast?_ Zer0 thought incredulously. "It looks delicious / however, I must decline / my gear prevents me," he informed her.

The old woman squealed happily for a moment.

"Oooh! I do love it when you verse those poems of yours, Zer0. It inspires me to get back to the love story that I am writing about. You remember that right. And don't worry about the pie, I'll get Mister Torgue to wrap some up for you to take on your journey. Gotta keep you vault hunters fed, ya know. I get it – you have so much secrecy and mystery to maintain. Keeps the fangirls and fanboys guessing, am I right?" Grandma snickered.

"Secret meat secret!" Krieg started cackling to himself just then, for he has become privy to some of that mystery. It tickled him immensely.

"WHAT?!" Mr. Torgue abruptly hollered. "GET THE F*CK OUT!"

 _You idiot!_ His inner voice accused. _Not another word! I can't believe you sometimes._ Krieg whined to himself quietly and tossed the other big man a fearsome look before shifting a nervous gaze back to Grandma Flexington.

Zer0 had no idea what that exchange was regarding but he did not dwell on it either. He was starting to feel antsy and wanted to get moving. "About the ECHO / we're on a mission to find / where it might lead us," he said, hoping to speed things up. "What happened to Steve?"

Grandma was more than happy to explain.

"Just last week a group of animal rights activists stormed this place. Crazy ruckus. Lots of fighting. A food fight even broke out in the kitchen. The activists didn't like the idea that skags were being butchered here and blah, blah, blah, so they came here looking for trouble. Armed to the teeth! Poor Steve, he was a weird fella – kinda scrawny, kinda stupid – he was a terrible cook. However, he was obsessed with something he found out in Three Horns Valley. Would not show it to anyone. Even with all the cameras in this place, he kept it well hidden. Whatever it was… one of the activists put a chef knife into his gut and stole it from him – then high-tailed it out of here screaming that he was going to make a fortune selling it on the Lynchwood black market."

"May we listen to his ECHO?" Zer0 requested.

"Oh sure, here… let me do that for you," Grandma offered and dug the device out from under her chair and pushed 'play' on dead Steve's ECHO recorder.

_Recording Begins._

**Steve:** "*lewd grunting noises* Oh yes… you've made me the happiest man on the planet. The monogrammed name on you proves it. What a sucker to lose such a thing… his loss for carting you around like that. Did you bring him good luck? Guess not from the sounds of that prison stint. Now you belong to me *sniffs long and hard* Yeah… that's the stuff."

_Recording Ends._

"I don't know about you but that all sounds rather retrogressive and borderline unhealthy," Grandma disclosed. "I wonder what it was he found and who is he talking about?"

"THAT'S A GOOD QUESTION, GRANDMA!" Mr. Torgue interjected.

"Thank you for your time," Zer0 offered pleasantly. "Seems like we'll be headed to Lynchwood."

"Oh! Just one more poem before you handsome boys leave this here old woman?" Grandma pleaded sweetly. "And make it a good one."

It was not every day that Zer0 found someone that appreciated his haiku and didn't call him 'fruity' about it. He was more than pleased to indulge her.

"A good fight rewards. / Creating beauty? Hard work. / Before me she sits." He versed.

Grandma Flexington was squee'ing like a schoolgirl again. "Oh go on – you cheeky thing you," she said and waved a hand at Zer0 bashfully. "You're making me blush!"

Then she petitioned Krieg to come closer and patted the side of his masked face like a good boy. "Hope you fine lads find what you're looking for," she told them. "Thank you for spending some time with me. I don't get many visitors."

Mr. Torgue handed Zer0 some wrapped up pie. "THANK YOU FOR MAKING MY GRANDMA HAPPY!" he roared. "STOP BY AGAIN SOON!"

Seeing their exit, Krieg and Zer0 got the hell out of there.

*********

**Lynchwood**

The fast travel brought them into a grungy old-fashioned train station. The station was dark and shook every few minutes as a noisy train barrelled through the town and station carrying eridium. Nearby, sparks from a loose wire crackled dangerously beneath an old Jakobs sign and the breeze coming from the bright outside brought in foul odours of uncivilized bandit life that thrived in this area.

They stood on a metal walkway that bridged over the train tracks and headed for the exit, passing by another set of vending machines always ready to take their money. However, it did provide them with ammunition and health, which one could never have enough of, especially in this Wild West-like town.

Krieg, on the other hand, was like a kid in a candy store. He was fixated on Zer0's actions back in Gluttony Gulch, how he pinned him against the crates and copped a feel. The assassin was all his, no one was here and he wanted to sneak a hand in the cookie jar.

His inner voice interjected, _I know, I know, we have been working so hard. Just a bit longer. Trust me. I know I have been going on about Zer0 all week, but it will be more rewarding when we can relax and not think about work. Hang in there, buddy._

Krieg growled low in his throat, not wanting to listen to reason right now. He was not as patient as the little man was.

The psycho grabbed Zer0 by the arm and urged him into a dark corner of the station. One side was a solid concrete wall covered in graffiti and the other side stood rows of steel beams. He placed his gun and buzzaxe on top of a metal crate behind him.

Not the most private but Krieg did not care.

Zer0 gave no resistance as Krieg's muscular arms embraced him so possessively, his big hands sweeping all over his armoured body with such urgency.

Beneath the helmet Zer0 smirked, amused that they both seemed to be having great difficulty keeping their hands off each other today. Krieg grabbed his rear end with both hands, squeezing greedily while an evident erection brushed across the front of his pants.

"This feels so good but… / this place – so inelegant," Zer0 began to say thinking the train station was not very inviting, but he did not finish and thought… _screw it!_ They earned the right to a teensy bit of fun. "I know _just_ the thing," he finished with a hint of playfulness.

They both turned off their ECHO devices quickly and set weaponry aside. It was difficult to get a little privacy on this planet sometimes, so they always had to be one step ahead.

Sure, what he was about to do might be reckless, but Zer0 would not have it any other way...

He got down on his armour-plated knees.

"I trust that you can / keep your sights on the ceiling / while I suck your dick," Zer0 said frankly, flashing Krieg a red winky face **;)** as he unbuckled the man's belt and lowered the zipper on his orange-coloured pants.

 _Holy skag shit! Is he going to…?_ The voice was cursing like a sailor, which kind of impressed Krieg even if he would never admit it to the little man. He leaned back against the metal trunk behind him, body strumming with giddy anticipation, throbbing and fully erect, hard had _nothing_ on his dick.

Zer0 removed his gloves and dropped them to the floor next to him. He filled one bare hand with Krieg's meaty cock, the hardened veiny flesh was heavy and hot in his palm and he thumbed over the damp swollen tip.

Krieg's breath shuddered loudly from behind his leathery mask as Zer0 fondled him with those long nimble fingers. His toes curled inside his boots and he rumbled.

"You're so excited. / Presumptuous? Maybe so. / Release – prompt and swift." The assassin predicted.

 _Heh. We won't last five minutes…_ the little man answered sarcastically.

When Zer0 let go of him, Krieg waited for the telltale sounds of helmet removal. He waited for a pair of lips to touch him – waited for the flick of a wet tongue and a hot mouth to engulf him.

Oh, yeah… any second now…

Instead, cheerful whistling, like that of the sweetest songbird, resonated inside of the train station.

Zer0 was just about to take off his helmet. "You must be kidding me?" he muttered tersely.

Down below on the platform, a marauder strolled into the station probably hoping to catch the next train. He was unaware of the danger lurking above, whistling away with contentment.

It was the worst possible timing. And Krieg… well, he lost his virtual shit.

The whole world turned red as he crossed over into full-blown psychopath. He did not even hear the deafening roar coming out of his mouth. All Krieg knew was that when he snapped out of it the sharp end of his buzzaxe was sticking out of the whistling bandit's skull – bloody and smashed in deep. He yanked the axe out of the dead man's head with a disgusting squelch, the body twitching like a squashed bug on the train station platform.

Krieg shook the brain matter off his weapon, breathing hard.

Zer0 watched the whole show from the upper deck, butt side-parked on the railing. "Feel a little better? / I feel awful. We should wait. / Please fix your zipper."

"KILL EVERYTHINNNNNG!" he clamoured in total aggravation while shooting an angry glance down his front. His junk, now in a sad flaccid state, was still catching a breeze. _Well, that's kind of embarrassing._

Krieg begrudgingly fixed his pants.

"Yes. Let's go do that." The assassin encouraged the lust-filled psycho. "We'll blow off this horny steam / in no time at all." He added, "Besides, something tells me what we wish to find is at the pharmacy. Shady place – black market stuff like Grandma Flexington said. Let's just get it done."

Grumbling, Krieg climbed back up the stairs. He knew the assassin was right but he did not have to like it, not after he was _this close_ to getting a blowjob of a lifetime. _What a buzz kill._ Krieg scoffed. The little man wasn't kidding.

The town was huge and divided by a set of train tracks, surrounded by dry rocky cliffs and clustered with impoverished dirty buildings, many of them up on stilts. When the dusty town was quiet, one could hear loud fans humming on the rooftops.

Zer0 and Krieg made sure it did not stay quiet for long.

They launched themselves into battle with every abled-bodied miscreant that got in their way, satiating their lust for violence with the same passion they wished to satiate their lust for each other. Frustration fueled the massacre and they cleaned up this corner of Lynchwood in less than twenty minutes.

When they stumbled upon the pharmacy, they found the front door already smashed in and lying on the floor. Guns held at the ready, they discovered the place ransacked. Broken bottles, shelves, and paper littered the floor and on the pay counter, a man in a bandit mask lay dead with one side of his face resting on an ECHO recorder.

Krieg hauled the dead pharmacy guy's head up by the collar of his brown leather jacket as Zer0 slipped the recorder out from under him.

He pressed 'play'.

_Recording begins._

**Pharmacy Guy:** "I'm going to make a fortune off of this. What a score! Woo! I'll host an auction – sell it to the highest bidder. I am going to be rich. Maybe, I'll move out of this stinking town and go somewhere nicer – fresher air, fewer assholes, more babes.

*clatter of a door breaking and the metal whir of heavy robotic footfalls and the sound of foot soldiers running in*

 **Pharmacy Guy:** "What the actual hell? You're all Hyperion scum! Get out!"

 **Robot:** "I am C3n50r807, a censorship bot. I am here to confiscate that immoral object in your possession. Do not make this harder on yourself."

 **Pharmacy Guy:** "Like hell… I bought this off a guy fair and square. It's not illegal."

 **C3n50r807:** "Then you shall die and Pandora will be morally restored. Kill him… _painfully_."

*sounds of gunfire and struggle followed by dreadful gurgling sounds before all goes quiet*

 **C3n50r807:** "I will take this back with me to the Washburne Refinery, where it will remain hidden. One day Pandora will be safe for children. Let's go."

_Recording Ends._

"HA! LAST STOP!" Krieg bellowed.

Zer0 had a big grin displayed in front of his visor **:D** "Hmm… yes, l believe you're right. Let's go."

*********

**Washburne Refinery**

Owned and operated by the Hyperion Corporation that processed eridium, the refinery was a massively tall structure that appeared to touch the sky in the sandy Oasis desert.

Fortunately, for Krieg and Zer0, a fast travel brought them directly inside the plant. They only needed to get to the censorship bot C3n50r807's office, which was, according to the map, only a few rooms away from where they stood.

After resupplying their ammunition, they made their way through the industrial plant ready to blast some Hyperion robots into the next world. This time, there was no stopping to mess around.

Fooled once was a shame – fooled twice was a shame on them. There was not going to be a _third_ time.

Nope. This time, they were here to kick some metal ass, locate this ambiguous loot, and find a place to bump uglies in the worst way. For two vault hunters that seldom got tired of all the blood and violence… Krieg and Zer0 were ready to admit that, they had better things they wanted to do.

A zoned out robot that was supposed to be guarding the entrance to the facility was quickly dispatched before they headed down a hallway.

It led them into a huge warehouse.

Neither psycho nor assassin felt alarmed when at least half a dozen Hyperion loader bots ambushed them from all sides.

Different skills were tested against enemies made of programmed pieces of metal and performed a variety of diverse assaults. Zer0 used his corrosive grenades wisely and Krieg blasted the robot's arms off at the joint before smashing them to bits with his buzzaxe, which worked better than his flammable shotgun.

When there was nothing left but sparking bits of metal debris, they hurried up a set of stairs and down another narrow hallway that led them directly to the censorbot's office.

Up ahead was a small cornered off room, with two separate entrances, one from the right side and one from the left.

Currently, the C3n50r807 robot was there, a hulking brown metal bot with an H-shaped frame just like all the other Hyperion robots. It was a harmless machine in the sense that it was not equipped to fight back, but that did not stop it from calling for back up.

"Krieg, you distract him / while I hunt down the treasure / just talk to it. Cool?" Zer0 suggested.

The psycho thought about it for a moment and nodded. He made his way towards the large robot that was standing before a panel of computers and TV monitors, while Zer0 shuffled off to the left side of the office and hid behind some crates.

The censor bot turned to face Krieg when it heard him approaching. "Move on. Nothing to see here," it told him like a haughty librarian.

"Make me you big metal dick…" Krieg taunted gruffly.

" _That_ is inappropriate," the bot replied, sounding aghast.

The psycho bellied a booming laugh. "Your face is inappropriate! LET'S DRIVE OVER IT WITH A POOP TRAIN!"

Perfect, one could always count on Krieg to stir up a censorship bot, Zer0 thought with amusement.

Time for him to go to work.

Zer0 activated his decoy and snuck into the office under a cloak of invisibility. On his left was a door, which opened into a small storage room. He scanned the contents stacked on rows of metal shelves. Confiscated pornographic material from all over Pandora was stored in here. Everything was labelled and catalogued by number.

Zer0 could still hear Krieg screaming vituperate things at C3n50r807.

"I'm gonna pound his backside and swallow his meat _RAW!_ AH-HA-HAHAHAHAHA!! "

"What filth! Stop undressing me with your eyes," the censor bot warned. "Pervert. I will call security."

The assassin scoffed and continued to filter through stacks of dirty magazines, boxes of ECHO recorders, and special toys that brought a blush to Zer0's face. He only knew what a handful of these things did, but the others… he could not even imagine.

Sigh. Just when he started to think that he was not going to find what he was looking for, he curiously picked up a pair of red lace panties between his thumb and index finger.

What caught his eye was the catalogue tag dangling from the clothing label. The origins claimed the undergarments came from the Pharmacy Guy in Lynchwood. _Bingo!_

However, Zer0 noticed something else. A familiar name was written across the bum—

It read 'Lilith' in a cursive font, stitched with the softest yellow thread.

His helmet lit up with sheepish emotes.

**>.>**

**<.<**

It dawned on the assassin that what they have been chasing down all this time was a pair of sexy panties belonging to Lilith!

What the—

Zer0 did not know whether he wanted to laugh or cry, but the sensible part of him said he did not have time for either. He snuck out of the office with Lilith's red panties stuffed into his ammunition pouch.

The assassin activated his decoy yet again and left the storage room, closing the door quietly behind him. Then, he signalled to Krieg from his previous hiding spot.

"KISS MY BUZZAXE WHERE THE—" Krieg suddenly turned silent when he spotted Zer0 with a **:P** emblazoned in front of his faceplate. "SEE YA! DON'T WANNA BE YA!" he clamoured at the censor bot.

"You will not escape." The bot warned him.

From somewhere in the bowels of the refinery, a mechanical grinding whir and the ominous thumping sound of robots approaching grew in volume. Soon, the floor began to vibrate. It sounded like fifty robots were clambering towards them.

"Security is coming," Zer0 warned. "Come on, let's go."

They had what they came for so Krieg and Zer0 ran for it, boots pounding as they sprinted for the fast travel a few rooms away. The fine hairs on the back of Zer0's neck prickled. He could feel some of the bots closing in on them.

Sure enough, three EXP loaders were hot on their tail. The yellow and black painted, self-destructing robots were running at them.

Just as Zer0 and Krieg slipped into the blue void of the teleporter, all three exploded in vain on the other end.


	2. Chapter 2

**xx**

**The Highlands - Outwash**

Bodies still pumping with adrenaline from their mad dash out of the refinery, Zer0 and Krieg basked in the thrilling afterglow that evading death brought them.

"Well, that was rather enjoyable," Zer0 said. He extracted the pair of red panties from his pocket eager to show Krieg what all the fuss was about - a blushing emote appeared in front of his visor **< ///>**

"Oooh! I seeee RED!" Krieg roguishly exclaimed.

The underwear was not edible. Nor did they help kill anything. He could not buy weapons with it. This prize was anticlimactic in Krieg's opinion. Like Zer0, the panties did make his cheeks warm knowing they belonged to the beautiful but scary fire lady back in Sanctuary.

"The rarest treasure. / Sniffed by Pandora's finest. / Bringer of much death." Zer0 could not resist the impertinent limerick to sum up the mission.

They laughed.

 _Hey, buddy, why don't you do us a solid and take a minute to wash all that crap off yourself._ The little man advised his psycho side. _Honestly, we smell like ass and dude… I see a prime opportunity to spend some quality time with Zer0 here, but not when we smell like last week's roadkill. Don't ruin this for us. Go do something about it._

Krieg flashed a look at Zer0. "We smell like the hot crack of death!" he growled. _Oh. My. Gawd. Why did you tell him that?_ The sane part of his brain groaned. _Just shut up and go clean the stink off yourself, meathead._

However, before Krieg could take a step towards the nearby stream to do as the little man requested, another voice came through on his ECHO device.

The incoming transmission was from none other than the man of the hour himself, Roland.

"So… err, I've been following your progress and I see you two found what all those ECHO's led to," Roland began, unease thick in his voice. "If you could please turn those in, I will pay you handsomely and we never have to speak of this again."

 _"Speak of what again?"_ It was Lilith. The red-haired woman sounded as if she just snuck up on Roland because the man inhaled sharply as if in surprise. "Roland, why did you come all the way over here to talk to Zer0 and Krieg? What are you hiding? _Spill it._ "

Roland audibly swallowed. "Right. Sorry. I… I lost a pair of your undergarments out in Three Horns Valley," he said quietly, sounding more boyish than manly at present.

The tough as nails soldier might be the leader of the Crimson Raiders but when it came to his girlfriend, who he adored, he knew he could not win. For one, she was one of the strongest sirens alive. He had no chance in hell.

While the transmission continued, Zer0 raised an eyebrow as Krieg snuck off to the freshwater stream gurgling a few feet away. He watched him set his equipment down on the grass and begin to undress. Oh, so that's what the smelling like death comment was about… he needed a bath.

"Wait. You mean to tell me the rare treasure was _my_ underwear that you perversely carried around on you and then lost when the Bloodshots dragged you to prison." Lilith responded. "You mean those disgusting sounding ECHO's our killers found were weird men getting off on my—"

Just then, in the background, Mordecai started laughing _so hard_ it almost sounded like he was crying. He even hiccupped once between howls of mirth and Bloodwing screeched as if the big bird understood what had just transpired.

Roland groaned and sighed.

"Can it, Mordecai!" Lilith hollered at her old teammate with an incredulous scoff of her own."Ugh! First those Firehawk cult weirdos and now this… geez, what's a siren supposed to do around here these days?"

"What do you want me to do with them?" Roland asked her in heavy monotone.

Lilith seemed to think about it for a moment and sighed. "Bring them back so I can burn them. I mean, it is kinda cute – the sentiment that you were keeping a part of me with you Roland, but… now they have been molested by weirdos all across Pandora. It's just gross."

Roland gave them the order. "Yeah, so… turn them in when you're ready. Roland out."

The transmission ended.

Seriously, Pandora was never boring, Zer0 considered. He got the feeling Roland knew exactly what they were looking for the entire time, but hoped he could cover it up before Lilith ever found out about it. Didn't work out so well for him, did it?

The whole thing might have been a wild goose chase, but the day was not a wasted one. Not when he got to spend it with his fun new friend, doing all the things that they loved.

Well. Almost all the things they loved—

The day was not finished yet.

Zer0 watched Krieg washing up in the stream like an oversized imp, buck naked except for his mask and those leather bands around his neck. Under the helmet, his smile morphed into a lop-sided grin, enjoying how the psycho cared very little about tearing out off his clothes and baring it all.

It was endearing really.

He wished he could do that, but there was not much privacy out here in the open. Zer0 could not strip out of his clothing and armour so easily, not with so many straps, buckles, and pieces. It was a lot more difficult.

Besides, he worked too hard on keeping his obscurity a tight-lipped secret. There were very few he was willing to share those secrets with and very few that knew the truth about him.

Krieg was one of those exceptions.

While the psycho did his thing in the water, Zer0 surveyed the locale and discovered they landed in the Highlands Outwash, a vast open area with rolling green hills and rocky outcrops underneath a bright blue sky. He did not choose the location so Krieg must have chosen whatever location he could while they escaped the refinery.

Zer0 stood on the wooden porch of an abandoned two-story building. To his left, two vending machines cramped the style of the serene countryside, per usual. It wasn't a bad choice. This area was all right apart from the abundance of spidery stalkers that thrived around here. For now, at least, the squawky creatures kept their distance.

Still, it was a suitable place to take a load off and relax. They earned a break after that superfluous assignment.

The assassin wandered over to Krieg's pile of discarded clothes and equipment and knelt, switching off the man's ECHO device and then his own. Sweet. Off the clock. He went about setting down his gun and fighting equipment, too. He even set aside grandma's blueberry pie that Mr. Torgue had given him and noticed two pieces wrapped in thin plastic.

Nice. He would share that extra piece with Krieg later even if the big lug already had a piece of pie earlier. Zer0 smirked. The man would be hungry by the time he was finished with him, he thought.

Zer0 slipped off his gloves and went to the water's edge. From his other pouch, he produced a washcloth, which he used to clean his armour of blood and dirt from time to time. It was the least he could do.

Or, so he thought…

Out of nowhere, a spray of water pelted off his visor, speckling his vision. He used his hand as a squeegee and wiped it away. Somewhere nearby, Krieg was snickering evilly.

Zer0 flashed him a frown **> _<**

"Clean the blood from the bloated carcass." The psycho told him as if he should know.

"My carcass is not / bloody, only my armour. / My options are slim," Zer0 replied. Yet, as soon as he said those words, he began a mental countdown. Krieg would come for him. He rather expected what would come next.

Sure enough, the psycho's growly laugh was full of behemothic glee as he marched over.

Five seconds.

Zer0 suppressed a twitter of troublemaking glee, pretending to crawl backward in a feeble attempt to get away from the big bad psycho. "Warning! Badass." He knew how to play this game.

It was not the first time they played it.

Krieg effortlessly scooped the assassin up, as if he weighed nothing, and dropped him into the shallow riverbed with a loud splash. Zer0 landed in the water and gasped, possibly shrieked a little. His helmet was waterproof but not the rest of his suit, which flooded with cool water.

"Wet ninja monkey," Krieg teased looking down at him. "I wanna eat you!"

If Zer0 did not know the man any better a statement like that might scare off most people, but this was Krieg on high flirt alert. With a sigh, the assassin propped himself up on his elbows, still lounging in the stream, water flowing through his suit and the protective undergarments he wore beneath it. This was a struggle he was not going to win – didn't really want to win either – so why fight it?

It was one way to wash off the blood and sweat and the suit would dry – it wasn't as if he planned to wear it much longer anyway.

"Maybe _I_ want to eat _you_ ," Zer0 countered with cool arrogance, looking up at the naked psycho looming over him, his eyes lingering on Krieg's cock.

They stared each other down.

It was doubtful either heard the water gurgling or the squawk of stalkers on the other side of the bridge as the growing tension they felt all day, gripped their bodies like a vice.

Krieg broke the silence first. "Bath time is over!" he announced much louder than necessary and offered a hand to Zer0.

Clapping his hand into Krieg's, Zer0 let the other man haul him up. Water poured out of his gear.

Even after Zer0 got on his feet, Krieg did not let go of his hand. Impatiently, he led him to the abandoned structure and opened the door on the side. The room they entered was dusty and barren, except for a sleeping pad some traveller must have used once upon a time, a solitary chair stationed in the corner, and a grimy curtain-less window on the other side.

It did not matter what it looked like, the room provided the right amount of privacy from spying eyes.

Krieg swung the door shut with his bare foot and swiftly backed Zer0 up against it, making it rattle. Breathing steadily behind his mask, the psycho set a cool dark eye on the assassin, watching him with a steady gaze.

Without warning, he leaned in—

 _Wait! What are you doing, bud?_ It took Krieg by surprise that his first impulse was how badly he wanted to kiss Zer0. How easily he almost acted upon it, as if no barriers stood between them. He blinked stupefied as he stared into the mirrored void of Zer0's faceplate, realizing he held the man between his hands by his long black helmet.

Awkward energy began to stifle the room. It was potent enough to make the assassin murmur, "Krieg…?"

However, the psycho let go of Zer0's helmet and played it off with an uneasy chuckle, saying nothing. Krieg did not want to make out with a helmet. He wanted _so much_ _more_ than that, but he could not bring himself to do it. Not until he was prepared to deal with his self-doubt and vacillation. Not until he was ready to take the mask off his face.

Zer0 was getting rather used to witnessing some of Krieg's brooding moments. Perhaps, if he could not face some of his fears today, then Zer0 would break some of that ice himself. He started by unbuckling his belt and undoing his pants.

"These wet clothes must go / I'm not going to need them, / please help with my boots?" he requested.

 _I must apologize, Zer0. You have no idea how much I want to kiss you – do you want the same?_ _Is that even possible for guys like us?_ The voice gave an empty sigh. Narrowing his eye, Krieg ignored the little man and wondered if he heard Zer0 correctly. Was he taking off his suit? Did he just solicit his help to remove his boots? This was something new.

He eagerly went to assist, kneeling to help loosen the straps that held the assassin's kneepads on and the buckles on his boots. Then, he tugged the boots off his feet, one by one.

After slipping out of his pants and his undergarments, Zer0 unzipped the top half of his armour and wriggled out of it, leaving him in a skin-tight black undershirt that was mildly damp, which he left on. He set the armour on the floor next to everything else.

Krieg found himself staring in awe, this was the most undressed he ever saw of the assassin. At first glance, he did not see anything abnormal about the guy. The man was long, gangly, and pale. Krieg's eye went from Zer0's black sock-covered feet, naked legs and waist, to a chest covered by a tight black undershirt and, at last, his helmet.

Zer0 flashed him a **:)**

Krieg could not stop his hands as they curiously gripped into Zer0's bare thighs, squeezing them gently to make sure he was real. "Murder my heart and stab into my soul!" he bellowed. Sometimes, he could not believe Zer0 was not just a figment of his imagination when they got together like this. That he was truly here in his company sharing his body with him in the most intimate of ways. "Flames of happiness dance in my ribcage."

It was true what they say, Zer0 thought. One could not judge the size of a man's heart by the size of his body. Krieg was a sentimental romantic deep down and he suspected this was true for both sides of him – certainly, not your average everyday psycho.

"This is not a dream," the assassin assured him, placing a hand warmly on top of the man's smooth hairless head. "You mean a lot to me, too. / I'm all yours, Krieg."

Zer0 did not put himself on display for just anyone, but Krieg was different from most, and the friendship they shared meant the world to him. The man was unique, goofy, and genuine – there wasn't a fake bone in his body, and the pleasure they made together was so incredible.

Krieg realized once again, that with people like Maya and Zer0 in his life, the pain screams hurt a lot less. They gave him something to fight for – to keep living for. It lit a fire of hope in his belly.

He wanted Zer0 so bad.

From this vantage point, knelt before the assassin, Krieg had the opportunity to explore for once. He took a moment to let his hands wander, touching Zer0's scrawny legs, boney kneecaps, before sliding his hands up and around them to his cute backside. He groaned with contentment. Zer0's skin was smooth and still slightly damp but sinewy and strong – his backside had the perfect amount of squish.

Krieg squeezed his rear with a rumbling purr.

He admired Zer0's arousal, which was difficult to ignore in this position. It was lengthy and impeccably shaped. He brushed his palm over the stiff pink flesh surrounded by dark coarse hair and grinned when the assassin gave a languished sigh.

Krieg got back to his feet and stood, but his explorations were not over yet, no way, not when he had a chance to venture into unknown territory beneath Zer0's fitted black shirt. His hands slipped under the fabric and over a flat, hard stomach, fingers mapping out all the subtle dips and curves. It was difficult to control the ache he felt as he touched the assassin in ways he only dreamed about touching him.

He rumbled deeply again, admiring how solid and agile this man was in this tight compact body. To him, Zer0 was beautiful and he tried to tell him so.

"Snap you like a brittle twig," he grumbled quietly.

 _Seriously?!_ The inner Krieg groaned in appalling defeat.

Zer0 sniffed finding such a statement to be hilarious. However, this was Krieg and he knew him better than that. "Are you trying to compliment me?"

With much effort, Krieg tried again, "Beautiful branches!"

The assassin chuffed softly against his faceplate. "Ha-Ha. I see now. / Your hands feel wonderful, but… / can I pleasure you?" Zer0 urged Krieg back a little, creating a bit more space between them. He said, "I want to finish / something I started earlier/ our fun was cut short."

This time, Zer0 got down on his bare knees.

The psycho's eye widened. Zer0 was talking about the interrupted blowjob in Lynchwood. "Oh, YES!" _Oh, yes!_ The dual exclamation that echoed between his ears caused Krieg to blink for a second.

From the floor, Zer0 gazed up and met a psycho mask staring down at him, "Look up – no peeking. Can you do that?" he said.

Without complaint, Krieg nodded eagerly and directed his gaze heavenward. His eye discovered intricate cracks on the ceiling that resembled a fish or maybe a skag.

With a quiet mechanical hiss, the assassin removed his helmet. He set the thing on the floor on top of his discarded armour. Once more, he looked up to make sure Krieg was following his orders. All he could see from where he knelt on the floor was the man's strong jawline.

Perfect. Zer0 wet his lips and moved in. He ran the flat of his tongue along the underside of Krieg's hard cock, from base to tip. The flesh was hot, tasted like river water, and jerked the moment he touched it.

The psycho let out the deepest groan.

With a smirk, Zer0 opened up and slipped half of the length into his mouth, which is all he could comfortably fit. He placed his hands on Krieg's hips for balance. Oh yeah, he was going to make him come _so_ _hard,_ and then he was going to make him want it _all over_ again. Zer0 had a plan of execution.

Both of Krieg's hands clapped loudly to the top of his head. "My mind is on fire!" he blasted.

Grinning around the cock in his mouth, the assassin responded with a deep 'hmmm', which resonated around Krieg's hard flesh as he sucked it.

Long. Wet. Noisy sucks.

Krieg did everything in his power not to look down, his eye, rolling back in his head in bliss. Zer0's mouth was so hot and wet, but not as hot, as to how Krieg envisioned the assassin looked with his lips wrapped around his dick. He felt that mouth pull back to lavish the head of his cock with a flickering tongue, teasing him with tender bites, before, once again, taking as many inches as he dared into his parted mouth.

In mindless rapture, Krieg's hands went from his head and clamped down on top of Zer0's head, grasping into soft hair on impulse. Immediately, he released a strangled sound of panic.

"Can't stop the train!" he cried out, aware of his folly. He let go of Zer0's head so fast, it was as if he had dipped his hands into slag.

With a juicy slurp, the assassin pulled away. "It's cool," he said calmly. "Touch me. I want you to."

It was almost too much for Krieg to take.

People did not often permit animals to enter the shop full of pretty things. _You know he is not going to hurt us – he is one of the few that can hear us as a person._ The voice told his more volatile side. _Zer0 is extending an extra measure of trust to us. Man, his hair… it's like… it's like touching the softest bristles of a paintbrush. Don't you think?_

Krieg would be lying if he said he did not think about Zer0's hair a lot since that night they sat back-to-back on his living room floor, took off their masks, and ate a meal he prepared together. He did not mean to do it, but he caught an accidental glimpse of his dark hair that evening, and it haunted him ever since.

 _I can't believe I'm telling you this, but stop being such a big baby. This is the coolest thing that has happened to us in like… forever._ The little man scoffed. _It has been so long since we've felt the warmth of another person._

It seemed like forever before Krieg's fingers tentatively returned to Zer0's head, fingers caressing his hair almost lovingly. The act itself seemed to excite him, the psycho's dick jumped reflexively – the tip whacked Zer0 in the nose.

"Hee-hee," the assassin twittered profoundly. "Is it really so exhilarating, touching my head?"

"YES!" Krieg bawled as if he were the crazy one.

A pleasant shiver goosed across Zer0's skin as Krieg's fingers brushed over his scalp and feathered over his earlobe. The assassin groaned. His ears – it was one of the most sensitive areas on his body.

"You found my sweet spot / it tickles, yet feels divine / my one true weakness."

Oh? Krieg chuckled with wickedness at this information. He couldn't help but imagine wriggling a hot wet tongue into Zer0's ear now – nibbling his earlobe with his teeth, rendering the assassin a squirming heap of ninja monkey. What a treat.

However, all those goofy thoughts vanished when Zer0 took his cock into his mouth again.

This time, the assassin held nothing back, sucking him long and hard, while his hands found different parts to play with. One hand massaged his balls just right, while the other stroked the base of his dick while his mouth slid over his length.

Purring like a great beast, Krieg closed his eyes feeling Zer0's teeth scrape gently along his shaft again and again. _Damn, he's so good at this._ He was getting close, so close. Blinding lust began to blur lines of restraint and Krieg flexed his hips hard, forcing his thick cock vigorously down the assassin's throat.

Instantly, Zer0 gagged and spluttered.

The savage side of Krieg wanted to make the assassin do _that_ again with evil glee, but the sane side worried. _Oh, man. I am so sorry. We got carried away there._

"I wasn't ready for that / Keep going. This time, please / grab my hair – harder." Zer0 insisted breathlessly.

 _Heh. I should have known you would like that. Do you get off on the punishment? Go easy on me, ok… I'm new to this sorta stuff._ The inner voice shared with tumultuous concern and a lustful laugh. He was sure to add, _But that doesn't mean, I'm going to wuss out. So… don't hate us after this, ok?_

Eager to fulfill Zer0's request, Krieg fed the man his cock, hands gripping firm into the assassin's short hair and head. He face-fucked his mouth, enjoying the enticing wet sounds created as he drove his cock to the back of his throat.

Zer0 held the back of Krieg's thighs in a death grip.

It only took seconds before Krieg felt a climax rush through his body. He came with a grunting roar, shooting his load down assassin's throat whether he wanted it or not.

Pushing himself out of Krieg's grip, Zer0 gasped for air and sniffled his now runny nose. He was sure that he had swallowed much worst things in his life, then a mouthful of hot psycho cum.

Zer0 hinted with bedevilment while wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, "Tears stream down my face / a horrible taste fills me / Next time… it's my turn."

"I will swallow you whole!" Krieg promised, yelling at the ceiling.

"Do not worry, my friend / you did everything perfect. / Keep looking up, ok?" The assassin requested.

Even though his neck was beginning to cramp like this, the psycho grunted in acknowledgment, wondering what Zer0 was going to do to him next.

Zer0 got to his socked feet, rubbing his sore knees a little, and faced the naked psycho. Being so tall, he had to hunch a little to remain out of eyeshot. Reaching out, he drew his fingertips along the exposed column of Krieg's neck, over his windpipe, which made the man flinch and then growl heatedly.

The assassin gave a breathy chuckle, delighted to torture this man with a sensual kind of violence.

As Zer0 leaned in and gently pressed his lips to that tender crease where neck and shoulder meet, he murmured hotly, "My tension remains. / I need you hard for round two… / sinking your cock deep."

Krieg merely whimpered.

With his body, flush up against Krieg's, Zer0 placed his hands on top of his massive shoulders as he continued the onslaught with his lips. Sampling heated skin along the psycho's neck and under his jaw where mask and chin met.

The assassin was not stupid. He knew Krieg wanted to kiss him when he grabbed him by his helmet that way. However, the man was a bundle of insecurities, he knew. Maybe he could not help it – logical considering the horrible things done to him. Zer0 could not even begin to fathom the horrors Krieg had been through to make him the way he is today.

Sometimes, all it took was a gentle loving touch – challenge accepted. He might be a cold, calculating killer on the outside, but inside, when it came to those he cared about, he wanted them to know he had a heart, too.

He would do whatever it takes to ease Krieg's doubts about him. So he told him while hovering next to his head with his lips feathering across Krieg's earlobe, "Next time we hook up / you better be ready to / kiss me like a fool."

The assassin's hypnotic voice, his warm breath drifting across his ear and neck – _kiss like fools?_ Krieg gulped and he shivered. _Zer0, what are you doing to us?_

Zer0 felt Krieg's arousal returning before he saw it. With a sneaky smile, he moved away and grabbed his helmet off the floor. He fit it back onto his head and shut the visor. Then he reached out and levelled Krieg's head so he was looking at him again and massaged his sore neck muscles like a pal.

"Give me the slippery stuff. I’m going to smash you into pieces!" Krieg pledged monstrously, feeling pretty worked up again. Zer0 had done so much for him already, now he wanted to give him the world.

Zer0 collected a bottle of lube he kept stashed in his ammunition pouch, which was near their feet, and handed it to Krieg. "Armed _and_ dangerous, just the way I like it," he teased.

The voice in the psycho's head laughed at that and replied. _Oh, man, I am really going to give it to you this time. I'm pretty sure I've been driving the Meat Man nuts talking about all the fun things we should do to you – kind of hilarious, right._ Krieg abruptly snarled at the rambling little man. _Okay. Okay…_ WE _are really going to give it to you. Is that better? Geesh._

Zer0 watched curiously, as Krieg appeared to be interacting with his own thoughts with a scowl narrowing his eye. "Are you two… fighting over me," he playfully wondered.

The psycho snapped a look at Zer0 sharply. "You _can_ hear us!!" He sounded so enthralled.

"Educated guess." The assassin held up his hands. "Seemed like you were having a / roaring discussion."

It was kind of adorable but Zer0 got the impression Krieg's personalities did not always get along. Yet, Krieg did tell him, in his crazy roundabout way, that they both 'gutted his piñata' once. So, there had to be agreements about certain things between them – like people they shared mutual feelings for and people, they trusted.

"Time to get on the meat wagon," Krieg said with menace.

"Sounds exciting," teased Zer0.

Without a reply, Krieg roughly turned Zer0 around by his shoulders and plastered him face-first against the door. Then he applied the lubrication in all the right places leaving a big dollop he fingered into the assassin's tight hole. The man sighed as he did so and he worked him until he was stretched enough to accommodate something much bigger than his finger.

Zer0's fingernails dragged across the wooden door when Krieg entered him. "Mmm… yes," he gasped.

Krieg chuckled deeply and pumped into Zer0 at a measured pace, warming him up – warming himself up. He buried his cock deep inside, sheathing his entire length in a tight heat and held it there for a moment. Reaching around Zer0's waist, placing one hand on his stomach, the other wrapped around his neglected cock. Krieg stroked him vigorously.

The assassin sighed and moaned.

But, before he got the man off too soon, Krieg let go, letting him cool off. He pulled out and turned Zer0 around so they faced each other. This time, he wrapped his arms around the assassin's upper body and lifted him, feet off the ground.

"Strangle me with your branches!" Krieg demanded.

Zer0 got the gist. He wrapped his long legs around Krieg's torso and clung to the man's neck, his helmeted face inches from the psycho mask.

Krieg repositioned his arms underneath Zer0's thighs, which spread his legs open, leaving black-socked feet to dangle on either side. With a thump, he backed Zer0 up against the solid wooden door again and filled him with cock.

With Zer0 pinned against the door, he drilled into him fiercely with every manic thrust smacking off his backside. The door rattled loudly on its frame as they fucked against it.

Zer0 cried out in breathy disjointed sighs. "Ahhh! I love it," he mewled.

Krieg loved it, too. For once, they were screwing without Zer0's pants hindering positions that could be more exciting. He basked in the feeling he got when Zer0 let him dominate him in a position like this one, picking him up like a rag doll while the assassin surrendered himself to the pleasure of his dick.

Holding on for dear life, Zer0 panted with every plunging thrust that was breaking him apart in the most exquisite earth-shattering way. "Ah… Krieg…" he heard himself whine as the man slammed into him over and over and over again.

"OH, YES!" the psycho bellowed when he heard that.

Bringing his thrusts to a stop, Krieg slid his hands down to Zer0's ass and held him firmly. He walked them away from the door and into the middle of the small room, with his dick still buried to the hilt. A man with his strength did not need a wall to hold someone up for him, and Zer0 was a featherweight compared.

By force, he moved Zer0 up and down on his cock as if the assassin was his personal fuck toy.

Panting softly against his faceplate, Zer0 praised, "Impressive."

This arrangement lifted Zer0 a bit higher, now he was clinging to Krieg's entire head for support. The air filter on his mask clinked against the base of his visor rhythmically. He didn't seem to care as a permanent **< 3 **glowed in front of his helmet, while his cock rubbed blissfully against Krieg's ridged abdomen in this position.

The friction drove a deep moan out of Zer0.

Krieg increased the intensity and kept it steady as soon as Zer0 reached that certain pitch he has become accustomed to hearing. The man was going to come. He could feel his legs tensing at his waist and his voice strangling in his throat. Such a glorious noise.

Zer0 tossed his head back and came.

With a heated chuckle, Krieg felt the assassin's cock throbbing and pulsing against his stomach. Hot fluids streaked down his pelvis, over his groin and dripped off his balls.

That was it. He lost it. It was a sensual overload. Krieg pulled out and gave into an orgasm that strangled him harder and more forceful than the first time, making a mess on the floor. It was perfect. He growled and groaned, his chest rising and falling as he panted and caught his breath. He felt rather proud that he remembered to pull out. Zer0 always hated it when he came inside of him.

Zer0 held on as Krieg let go of him so he could stand on his own two feet. Once he did, though, the psycho wrapped him up in a big hug before he could get away.

 _Please keep holding us,_ the voice requested in Krieg's mind. He held onto Zer0 as if he had a quota of missing cuddle-time to fill.

This was something they did not do very often. They held each other during sex and foreplay, but not postcoital.

Gradually, the assassin held him back, placing the side of his helmet next to Krieg's head, arms around his shoulders. Zer0 was not used to this. He was born into a strict world of discipline and rules that did not consist of much hugging. But, he was not like them. He was the rebel, after all, a black sheep to some. A vault hunter looking for his own challenges, and… he was okay with that.

He could get used to this.

However, the poignant moment was shattered when Zer0's stomach growled like a small animal just died in there.

"Heard that!" Krieg broadcasted and chuckled, letting him go from his embrace.

The assassin simpered. "Long day without food," he bemoaned. "Need some alimentation. / I've got grandma's pie."

Krieg's eye lit up at the mention of pie.

"Not to worry, I have a piece for you, as well," Zer0 told him. "Mr. Torgue gave us extra. Why don't you go collect our stuff and get dressed? We can eat it here."

The psycho didn't need further motivation where grandma's pie was involved. Krieg left the room while Zer0 put on his damp undergarments and armour.

He would change into dry clothes when they got back to Sanctuary.

When Krieg returned, dressed, and fitted with his equipment, Zer0 was still fixing his boots, sitting on the old sleeping pad. He set their guns in the corner of the room and with the pie in hand, sat down next to Zer0 on the dusty padding.

Thankful to fasten the last buckle, Zer0 encouraged that they do their thing and sit back-to-back. They did so and removed their helmet and mask to devour Grandma's blueberry pie.

"It is delicious," Zer0 declared.

Krieg simply grunted, stuffing pie into his face.

When they were finished they sat, peaceful and still, not in a hurry to go anywhere anytime soon.

"I feel much better. / Now I feel kind of lazy – / you never heard that." Zer0 quipped and rest his head back against Krieg's shoulder. "Mmm, I'm tempted to close my eyes for a minute. It's been a long day. You wore me out."

"Eat the minute. Kill forty winks!" the psycho suggested.

Zer0 scoffed. "A nap…? _Me…?_ " It sounded so preposterous. Nevertheless, he did close his eyes and exhaled in contentment. "Assassins do not nap," he voiced softly knowing that was total bullshit, "they keep their skills…"

But, Zer0 never finished that proclamation.

Krieg nudged the man gently, but he did not respond. "Heh," he sounded with mirth. So much, for all that stuff about how assassins never sleep rigmarole.

 _Don't worry, Zer0, we're not going anywhere. We'll watch over you,_ the little man said and then told his insane side, _For once just listen to me, okay, meathead?_

Grumbling quietly to himself, Krieg did not think he liked the tone of the little man's voice. As if, he would let anything happen to the ninja monkey he'd come to fancy so much – not on his life!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I hope this gives you something warm and fuzzy to dream about!
> 
> The idea for the red underwear evolved in my mind during some BL2 gameplay in Sawtooth Cauldron. I stumbled upon a chair with a pair of pink underwear on it -- it was just so random and funny. And what would be rarer than Lilith's panties in the hands of strangers... it's hard to say for a game like Borderlands lol!
> 
> Yup, I let Krieg title these fics lols!
> 
> I hope you enjoyed!


End file.
